When I was 25, single, and prospect-less, I was asked by someone (who did not know me well) "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" to which I replied something false, light-hearted and socially-expected.
What it seemed to me the asker was saying was "Why are you such a weirdo and when are you going to stop being a weirdo?'
Perhaps the asker meant nothing of the kind. Perhaps the asker's intent was simply to make pleasant conversation. But I did not enjoy this question.
I have noticed that I am not the only single person to get asked this question. (And please note that my single status changed 8 years ago.)
I have noticed that married people often get asked "So when are you having kids?" And then those with a child get asked this one that currently makes me cringe: "So when are you having another?"
I choose to believe that most people, when asking these questions, are simply trying to make conversation, and are not trying to be invasive or hurtful. But that belief helps me only to tolerate the questions, not enjoy them.
Here is my proposal: unless you know a person on a deep level, please do not ask these questions! To demonstrate why, imagine these scenarios with me:
"So why don't you have a boyfriend?" asked to the woman who has been continuously cheated on and treated horribly, and can't find a decent guy.
"So when are you going to have a kid?" asked to the woman who has tried to for years and can't conceive, or maybe just had a miscarriage.
"So when are you going to have another kid?" asked to a woman who knows from her first experience that bearing a child is medically dangerous.
Twice this week, I was asked by people who did not know me well when I would be having a second child. These were seemingly very nice people, and I believe their intentions were good. But these questions cause me pain. I do not want to be asked them. I do not want to be placed in the socially awkward position of answering them, or of making up a trite, cheerful, insincere answer.
So I wish, I wish, that conversationalists would avoid these questions! There are plenty of others to ask that will be far less likely to cause pain. I offer these suggestions:
What do you like to do for fun?
Who is inspirational to you and why?
Tell me about your loved ones.
Now hear me well: I say all of this humbly, with the acknowlegment that I have probably inflicted pain on someone unintentionally by asking a chitchat question. I am human. We all are. I am simply offering a suggestion of what I wish others would do, so that less people would be hurt.
And hear me well one final time: I welcome personal questions from those who know me well, love me, have a history with me, and have been supportive of me. You may ask. You have earned that right. Because I know that you will respond to my honest answer with love and concern. I know that if I cry in front of you, it's okay.
But if I just met you, or you know only surface things about me, dont ask these questions. There are plenty of other fun questions to ask that will help you get to know me, and then maybe someday we will be friends close enough to ask the deeper questions.
Rant over.
Well said. Thank you. Love it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Brooke. :)
DeleteLove this!! So true! I get many comments on having one child (which I resent- my stepson is just as much my child). My relatives love to point out that my daughter's stubborn, independant ways are caused from being an only child (as if those qualities are negative). I remember one time, my daughter came over while I was talking with my aunts and she asked me to play with her out in the yard, knowing that I often did. My aunts quickly shook their heads, clucked their tongues, and answered, "That's because she is an only child. And it's too late to have another." (Why would it be too late?)
ReplyDeleteMy dearest friend in the world- I never asked her when she was having a child. I let her initiate that conversation. After her first child, in which the delivery of almost cost my friend her life, I never dared ask when she was having another. Again, she told me her plans when she wanted.
Anyway, sorry for the long response. This simply resonated with me. Thank you for sharing!!
Oh,Trish, I am sorry you had these experiences. Not fun.
DeleteDid you ever read "The Only Child Myth" published in Time magazine? It contains good info that did my heart good!
And you are right--your stepson is YOUR SON.
No, I never read it. I will have to see if I can access it. And it's okay. My stepson and I have a wonderful relationship, and that is all that matters to me. As for Alexis, I adore her qualities, and I love that she still wants to play with her mother.
DeleteI never got 'when are you getting married' but my sister did. I got plenty of 'when are you having kids' though and to be honest, I was not polite in my responses 'cause I too found the question ivasive and offensive. I probably told them something along the lines of 'I'm not, I have no desire to be pregnant or have children' ...
ReplyDeleteThat said, God had other plans and Bryn was born. (And I was right about not enjoying pregnancy) Then the 'when's the second' questions began. These I ignored but with a glare. But I gave into the Only Child Myth and had another so the first wouldn't be alone - and I realized something, I love both of my little girls to DEATH but I would have been a much saner, calmer, more attentive mother to just one. (And pregnancy gets worse each time) I would never turn back time, knowing each of them now but all my patience disappeared when I had two - I am amazed at those who have 3,4 or 5 and still keep their cool !!!
You follow your heart Missy - don't let people put you out of sorts or feel bad for your decisions.
Nich,
DeleteThanks for the encouragement!
I, like you, am amazed at Moms who have many kids. Man---I am even amazed at moms who have more than just one!
I rest in the belief that we are all meant to travel our own unique life paths. Mine path may involve just one child, and I will commit to being the best mother of one I can be!
Believe me...as an unmarried, childless one, I get this, as I'm sure you know.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet, I have to be honest and say that if I've had some casual conversation with someone, I tend towards just jumping into conversation that has opportunity to go deeper. I don't usually say, "When are you.../Why aren't you...", but when the subject of children/family/relationships come up (subjects that nearly always hold strong sway in our hearts) I usually ask, "Are you thinking towards..." or "What are your thoughts towards...", and I ask those questions because, aside from a "we've just been introduced" or a strictly casual, no-intention-for-anything-further relationship (standing in a line, etc.,), these types of questions usually open up opportunities for conversations on a more personal, real-thoughts level.
Of course, a bottom line conclusion on the whole matter is that love covers over a multitude of sins. When I choose to assume someone is not being rude in their thoughts, even if they've phrased something differently than would I, and when they assume the same for me, most mis-communications can be readily corrected when they occur, and richer, less trite interactions are more readily enjoyed.
Avoidance of pain is impossible on this earth, so as long as grace is extended in our conversations with one another, I think we can do a good work of encouraging one another even amidst the frailty of our sin natures and imperfections. For myself, I'd honestly rather risk a few of those in pursuit of richer, more real conversations than stay at a level of banal noise.
And I do think your 'other conversation' suggestions are good ones. :)
As always, Deborah, your writing is carefully thought-through and brillianty worded. And you have made me think.
DeleteI thought to myself, what if a person like Deborah, who is caring, truly interested in others, and a good listener asked me those questions upon our first meeting? Would it bother me? I concluded that no, it would not bother me. That's because I could sense your spirit behind your question--a true desire to know me. And that would be appreciated.
What I do not appreciate is the question being asked by people who do not typically inquire into my well being, but seem to be asking out of mere curiousity.
And you are right--we do need to extend grace to others. I try to do this, but sometimes it is a struggle.